this is getting old, guys

So I'm approaching the 6 month mark since I finished grad school and I still don't have a goddamn job and it's, it's just getting OLD. At first it was kind of nice having all this free time with no papers to write and nowhere to be during the day, and in those early months I still had savings! I was able to pay my rent and buy food and even buy other things too! It was magic. I was applying for jobs everyday and trying to be proactive and getting interviews (no jobs though). I thought about being even more proactive and applying for food stamps and things like that earlier, before I ran out of money, but I convinced myself that I would get a job soon. Well, that didn't happen!

What's on my scattered mind right now:

• Applying for jobs is so much more depressing after 6 months of rejection. I feel like I'm not qualified for anything and putting any effort into a cover letter is a waste of time because nonewantstohiremeanyway. I know this way of thinking is wrong, but how much rejection can a person take?

• My apartment is kind of a disaster and I don't want to deal with it. Piles of things. Everywhere. I was looking for a specific piece of paper the other day and had to sift through piles of receipts, junk mail, random hand out and programs from different events... why do I feel the need to hold onto this stuff? I need to start getting rid of shit in preparation for when I inevitably have to move into a cheaper place because no one will give me a fucking job.

• I went to the welfare office today to apply for food stamps and medical assistance because I need these things. I was the only white person there, which wasn't too surprising because it's West Philly. I have no way of knowing if I was the only masters degree person there, but the likelihood of that made me feel a weird mix if privilege and failure. If me and my fancy degree and my fairly comfortable upbringing can't get a decent job we're all fucked.

• Disability is oddly defined in this society. When you're applying for assistance from the state or county you have to be so disabled that you can't ever work... but then there's this whole other office whose sole purpose is to get people with disabilities working. I am currently dealing with both. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? Am I to be some invalid who doesn't work and lays at home with my helper monkey watching Maury? Or am I to seek your help holding down some office job until I die?

(Obviously it's not that simple. And I'm not doing a good job here at simplifying it in a funny way, so let's get serious. I can work and I want to work, however, there are some jobs I can't really do or that I would be really bad at on account of my leg. I can't lift things (like boxes or small children) safely, I'm slow as fuck on stairs so if those are around forget it, bending can be awkward, standing for long periods of time hurts me. Luckily I'm pretty fucking smart so anything that doesn't require physical labor is cool with me (seriously, smart lady right here, why isn't anyone hiring me?). So I need to convince them that I can or can't work? I'm confused, seriously.
     Realistically, though, my prosthesis is what allows me to work. Without it I'm kind of useless. It's hard to navigate most terrain on crutches. My two ideal work environments right now would be an office or a classroom and even in those relatively low-impact environments (relatively) crutches don't work. So, I need my leg fixed because the prospect of not having a functioning prosthesis is terrifying to me. It would be like losing my leg all over again )

• Comedy. Am I doing this right? How long am I going to do this? Why am I doing this? Sometimes part of me is like "I should get more serious about this and go out more open mics and actually talk to people and work on my material," and another part of me is like "Really? Don't you have to like apply for jobs or something?"

   
Where am I even going with this?

I don't know, but I'm definitely not proofreading it.

help me stay in philly

When I finished school back in December I did some math and determined that I had enough money in saving from my student loans to get me through about May if I didn't find a job in the meantime. My estimations turned out to be pretty accurate. It's now almost June and I am now almost screwed. I'm still applying for jobs without much luck and I'm running out of money. I'm applying for assistance, but that stuff doesn't work fast. When I was filling out one of the applications today there was a question about education and one of the choices was "no formal education" and I had some feelings as I checked off "masters degree." My education puts me in a more privileged position than a lot of folks. As does my whiteness. I don't think I was poor growing up, our basic needs were always met, but I am not able to rely on my parents for help right now. Both of them have offered to let me move back home for a little while while I get it together, but I really don't want to do that. What is there for me in Central Mass besides free rent? All my friends are here in Philly. Professionally, I want to work here in Philly and do something good for this city (if only someone would hire me already-- I would do SO MUCH good, I swear).

So now I'm reaching out to my friends and any Internet strangers who might be reading this. You can donate to help me survive here a little longer as I continue my valiant job search by clicking on this link. The goal amount of $3000 is based on the total cost to repair my prosthesis. See, I don't have insurance right now and it takes a while to get on medical assistance so I'm walking around with this loaner knee for as long as they'll let me. But if they need this knee back before I get some form of insurance I'll be back to a broken knee that's barely functional and I will be in a position where working will be a problem because of my disability. If enough people donate to help me pay my rent and I am able to find a job in the next few weeks I'll have some money to put toward fixing my knee. I can contribute much more to society and my community with a working prosthesis. So if you have a little extra money and you're feeling generous, donate to a good cause (ME). 

Maurice Sendak, writing, and guilt

Maurice Sendak died today and I've been spending a lot of time reading about his life and work and feeling inspired by the things he's said about writing, art, and children. This quote stood out for me, especially, as I'm setting out to write this story about how I grew up:

“Grown-ups desperately need to feel safe, and then they project onto the kids. But what none of us seem to realize is how smart kids are. They don’t like what we write for them, what we dish up for them, because it’s vapid, so they’ll go for the hard words, they’ll go for the hard concepts, they’ll go for the stuff where they can learn something, not didactic things, but passionate things.” (link)

I think this is a really important as an an educator, or a write, or any person who interacts with children on a regular basis to understand and appreciate "how smart kids are." I've never met a kid who didn't have a story. From the kid who's been in the foster care system since a young age who were finally adopted by an amazing lesbian couple, or the boy who moved around from relative to relative and writes about how much he misses his dad who's been in and out of prison to the genius 3rd-now-4th-grader who articulately told me about how she admired her mom for taking care of elders where she works then coming home to take care of her and her sister. Children don't need to be sheltered, they need to be respected and listened to. I know there are some things in my personal story, things I did at 12 or 13, that might make some adults uncomfortable, but it's nothing most 12 or 13-year-olds have experienced or at least have an awareness of. 

I recently had a conversation with my sister about that time period when I tried to kill myself, the hospitals, and how our relationship changed in the aftermath of it all. I was surprised to learn about the guilt she felt, still, for not having done more. I had never really heard her perspective. I understood the fear and confusion she felt, she was 10 at the time and didn't really understand what was happening. But she felt guilty for not doing more, not calling 911. I was aware of my own guilt, and of my mother's guilt, but I had never thought about my sister's guilt. My guilt has to do with putting my family, my little sister, through such a traumatic experience. 

And what would have happened if she had called 911? My leg might have been saved. But would I have had to learn the hard lessons that have made me the person I now am if that had happened? Honestly, I think I'm better off without it-- the leg, that is. I don't think it's worth spending a lot of time thinking about how things would be different if it all played out differently, because things happened and now we're here and we're all stronger for it.

the difference a year makes

I'm still trying to decide if I want to type a blog post about this crazy year of change that has just happened as I type this. So I might as well just keep typing, right?

One year ago I ended a pretty toxic relationship in the midst of an identity crisis and embarked on a journey to figure out just who the hell I am. And all in all I'd say it's been a pretty cool journey. Even if my life isn't exactly where I want it to be right now I've met a ton of really awesome people over the past year and feel more valued by other than I have before. And I'm getting there. So how about a list?

Things that are new in the past year:
- I have a master's degree! Last Spring was a time of great personal change, yet I managed to finish out the semester well and power through it and finish my degree. So that was pretty awesome.
- I live by myself for the first time basically ever and it's pretty awesome.
- I've made a lot of really amazing, supportive, super cool friends in the past year and I feel loved and valued by a whole bunch of people.
- I'm brave enough to do karaoke sober!
- I started doing comedy as a thing and it's been pretty cool. I think I'm kind of good at it.
- I feel confident and more secure in myself as a person. I'm someone worth knowing and I have a lot to offer and I won't be taken for granted, dammit!

I think I've decided through this experience that if something isn't working sometimes it is best to just cut it out and figure out a better way to do things. It's important to put yourself first every once in a while, etc., etc..

this is going to be intense

I decided that if I tell important people in my life that I want to write this book maybe I'll be forced to do it. I have the time right now and I feel like it's a story worth telling. Important people being key characters in the book, like my sister and my best friend at the time.

I had a really good day today. I felt good about things, even if I didn't fully trust my happiness to last. That's what happens when you get continuously let down. But my personal life seems good right now. Promising. And I had a really good job interview for a job I really want. I felt hopeful. I sat in the park all day and saw friends. Then I got home and looked at my bank account and realized that after I pay my rent this week I'm going to be broke and that I'm not making nearly enough money to sustain anything right now. I got depressed and had a small meltdown. Then my sister called me.

My sister is one of the only people who I can talk to on the phone for more than 10 minutes. We ended up talking for an hour. I mentioned this book I want to write about growing up and welcomed any insight, which she provided. I had never really thought about the events in questions from her perspective. That may be selfish of me. Guilt was a theme. We all feel guilty for different reasons. No one is at fault, though... really.

After talking to my sister I emailed the two girls I was with on that day (see this blog post for details) and within moments my phone rang. It was one of those girls. She was my best friend at the time, that was 14 years ago. I haven't heard her voice in a long time. She was almost manic. The major themes of the conversation were that I am an awesome person and an inspiration and that we've both been through a lot of shit and we are good, strong, well-intentioned people doing the best we can with what we've got. It was good to hear those things from her. We need to keep in better touch.

All I'm trying to say here is that between those two very intense conversations and actually starting to write I'm realizing this writing process is going to be really fucking intense and emotionally exhausting.

listening to people's conversations

I was at Green Line today listening to other people's conversation, as I tend to do. I overheard a girl talking to her friend about her quarter million dollar book deal and comparing herself to all these classic writers (Salinger was one of them) and basically carrying on about how awesome she is. She described the plot to her friend and the title of the book, which sounded like the name of an emo band from ten years ago. It was basically a disability motif somewhat common in fiction where a promising young person suffers some kind of accident leaving them "crippled for life" (he words). Her main character shatters his knee or something and his life is apparently over as a result (this interpretation is based on a few minutes of eavesdropping, I haven't actually read this alleged book). This motif bothers me because it's not what actually happens when a young person suffers an accident or tragedy leaving them with disability. And I don't like when people use the word crippled because it's a stupid thing to say in 2012 when there's so much cool technology that exists to allow people with disabilities to lead mostly normal and productive lives. Another common disability motif is the idea of someone overcoming their disability by carrying out some feat of athleticism. And I don't like that one either. I think maybe I hated this girl so much because I was a little jealous. I want a book deal. I'd need to write a book first I guess.

Which brings me to this idea I've had for a while now, which is to write a young adult memoir about my life from age 11 until whenever I decide to wrap it up. This book I have in my head targets young adults because I think my story is something a lot of kids could relate to. I'd try to make it more funny than sad. But following through is a problem I have. Especially when it comes to writing. The intended audience also has to do with the fact that I'm only 26 at the moment and haven't really done much with my life yet. But I think it's important to have stories about disability that are real and accessible for everyone and carry the message that it's okay to just try to have a normal life if something bad happens to you. You're not going to be "crippled for life" but you don't have to compete in the paralympics to prove your worth.

handicapable

So I've been feeling extra disabled lately on account of my prosthesis is broken. Fortunately I have a friend with connections and was able to find a prosthetics place in the area that is willing to do some pro bono work for poor folk like myself. I went in on Tuesday to get a loaner knee while they send off my old knee to find out what the deal with it is, but I had a stripped screw. So I had to go back today to their other location where the nice technicians were able to take that thing apart. These are things you have to think about when you're me. Stripped screws in your knee. So now I'm all set up with my loaner knee. The technician guy even cleaned up my cover and glued together the ugly slit they had to cut in the back of it when they took the thing apart, so I don't look like robo-Frankenstein.

Problem is, I don't have insurance right now due to the fact that I am not adequately employed. I applied for medical assistance through the county/state, but lord knows how long that'll take to go through. Hopefully they let me keep the loaner until it does. I don't want to go back to my broken leg. 

And I'm going to allow myself to get a little political for a second, because healthcare is a major fucking disaster in this country. Having access to a fully functional prosthesis allows me to be as mobile and productive as any able-bodied person (within reason, obvs). Having to limp around on a broken leg limits my employment options and forces me to be a drain on a system. If my leg is so broken that I can't walk on it, I can't work. This shit is expensive and I need health insurance to cover the cost (and most insurers only cover a percentage of the cost anyway). I'm fortunate to be an intelligent person who knows how to navigate the system and has a strong network of support, but, what I'm trying to say is, no one in this country should go without care that will allow them to live a normal, productive life. Dammit. 

(I don't normally feel "disabled" when my leg is working like it should. I do my thing with a few extra steps in the morning and don't bother to let it slow me down. But, when my leg was broken I was feeling the challenges and thinking about how much harder it would be if I had no prosthesis at all.)

Okay, that's enough for now.