new leg: frustrations

Things finally came through and I picked up my knew leg Friday. Everything is new on this thing: brand new socket that fits a lot tighter (better) than the old one, cute new foot that's not too big or too wide and a new knee.

Here's a picture of the foot, which is basically the only part of this leg I'm excited about:

If you've ever been shoe shopping with me before, which you probably haven't, you'd know why I'm so happy about this foot. My left foot is a narrow size 6.5 and for the past 15 years that I've had to contend with a rubber right foot that has varied from a very wide size 7 to a very wide 6 (apparently they don't make half sizes in fake feet), none of which has ever wanted to fit nicely or easily into a woman's shoe. I've broken a sweat trying to pry on dress shoes before. But this new foot is as close to perfect as I could imagine. It's like a lady's foot. I don't know if all those other feet were made for men, or if they just had a generic gender neutral prosthetic foot up until now. But, here it is, a just right foot. No more sweating over shoes.

The socket fits a lot tighter than my old one, but that's because that's how it's supposed to fit and my old one is now slightly too big because I lost a little weight since I got this set up four years ago. It happens. 

I was at my leg place for about three hours Friday because I forgot how horrible the whole process can be. Everything was built and assembled, so we just needed to get the height and alignment correct... which it isn't. I'm not sure if my old leg was just really short and I got used to being short on the right side or if the new one is slightly too long. But the smallest length disparity feels real weird. Right now it feels real weird.

I downgraded from a C-leg to an Ossur Mauch knee (click those links to learn more about fancy prosthetic technology from the respective manufacturers). Ossur is the same company that makes those cool blade legs for running (worn by Olympian Oscar Pistorius) and the Mauch is supposed to be a pretty high end knee that allows the wearer to do cool things (like climb Mt. Kilimanjaro  apparently-- if you watch the video on their website you'll hear how that guy did that with this knee). Really, all I want to do is walk to the grocery story and withstand attack hugs from kids at work. 

When I tried the new knee at the office I was noticing it wasn't quite bending and felt really stiff, they made some adjustments but it didn't really get better. They sent me home with both legs so I could get used to the new one gradually. I still owe them my loaner C-leg back, but after wearing the Mauch around for a little while today I don't think I want to give up my old knee. I'm not sure if I'm doing something wrong or the knee is just set up all wrong, but it's only bending about 50% of the time I'm walking and I haven't been able to figure it out. The first step feels fine, the knee swings, it's cool... but I walked all the way to the bank today like a pirate and it was not fun. I just want to walk normal, or as close to normal as I can get. It did not look or feel normal walking around with the new leg today and it was insanely frustrating. Now that I have health insurance I might be able to get on a plan that will cover a new C-leg, but I don't know which plan that is or how many times they'll let me change plans (since my coverage hasn't even officially started yet). There are things I could potentially do with the Mauch that I probably couldn't do with the C-leg (like run, if I suddenly decided to start doing that), but I just got so comfortable with the C-leg and it's so good for just normal walking around things. 

So now I don't know what I'm going to do, and of course next week is a short week with Thanksgiving, so I don't know if I'll be able to get in for adjustments. I do plan on calling the leg guy Monday to let him know what's going on. But seriously, leg stuff is so frustrating.

little kids just wanna know stuff

I was visiting a summer camp/after school program today (where I will hopefully be working soon) and I got to talk to a lot of little kids about my leg. Usually when I'm working with a new group of kids I'll wear long pants to avoid the distraction, but it was hot today so I went with a skirt. I expected and welcomed their questions. Six-year-olds are the only people who can asked me "What happened to your leg?" and get a friendly response.

Kids tend to want to know the same sorts of things. When I worked at summer camp years ago (holy crap, that was 10 years ago!) I actually made a list of Frequently Asked Questions for that reason. They tend to ask the following:

• What happened? (depending on the age of the asker I give various vague answers that aren't completely true "The muscles in my leg were sick." "Why?" "I don't know, they just were." Or, "I was in an accident...")
• Did it hurt?
• Can you feel this? (poke poke poke)
• Is your foot real? (Umm... no.)
• Will it grow back?
• How do you sleep/shower/swim? 

And the generally want to know how it works and I get to give them a science lesson about robots based on my limited understanding of how my leg actually works. I had one great conversation today that went as follows (These kids were staring and whispering to each other until one of them finally work up the courage to ask me):

Kid: What happened to your leg?

Me: A long time ago I was in an accident and I hurt my leg really bad, so the doctors had to give me a new one.

Kid: That's crazy!

Me: Yeah, I guess it's kinda crazy.

Kid: I like your shoes. 

There was also the little boy who just kept asking "Why?" after every response I gave (he really wanted to know stuff, I guess) and the little girl who kept trying to lift my skirt up to see the rest of my fake leg. It was refreshing when I walked into the classroom with the older kids and all I got was "Oooo, I like her hair!" from a girl. 

And it was all cuter than the drunk guy in a suit near Rittenhouse Square Thursday night who asked, with all the confusion of a child (a drunk child?), "Why are you walking like that?" (He didn't get any response).

this is getting old, guys

So I'm approaching the 6 month mark since I finished grad school and I still don't have a goddamn job and it's, it's just getting OLD. At first it was kind of nice having all this free time with no papers to write and nowhere to be during the day, and in those early months I still had savings! I was able to pay my rent and buy food and even buy other things too! It was magic. I was applying for jobs everyday and trying to be proactive and getting interviews (no jobs though). I thought about being even more proactive and applying for food stamps and things like that earlier, before I ran out of money, but I convinced myself that I would get a job soon. Well, that didn't happen!

What's on my scattered mind right now:

• Applying for jobs is so much more depressing after 6 months of rejection. I feel like I'm not qualified for anything and putting any effort into a cover letter is a waste of time because nonewantstohiremeanyway. I know this way of thinking is wrong, but how much rejection can a person take?

• My apartment is kind of a disaster and I don't want to deal with it. Piles of things. Everywhere. I was looking for a specific piece of paper the other day and had to sift through piles of receipts, junk mail, random hand out and programs from different events... why do I feel the need to hold onto this stuff? I need to start getting rid of shit in preparation for when I inevitably have to move into a cheaper place because no one will give me a fucking job.

• I went to the welfare office today to apply for food stamps and medical assistance because I need these things. I was the only white person there, which wasn't too surprising because it's West Philly. I have no way of knowing if I was the only masters degree person there, but the likelihood of that made me feel a weird mix if privilege and failure. If me and my fancy degree and my fairly comfortable upbringing can't get a decent job we're all fucked.

• Disability is oddly defined in this society. When you're applying for assistance from the state or county you have to be so disabled that you can't ever work... but then there's this whole other office whose sole purpose is to get people with disabilities working. I am currently dealing with both. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? Am I to be some invalid who doesn't work and lays at home with my helper monkey watching Maury? Or am I to seek your help holding down some office job until I die?

(Obviously it's not that simple. And I'm not doing a good job here at simplifying it in a funny way, so let's get serious. I can work and I want to work, however, there are some jobs I can't really do or that I would be really bad at on account of my leg. I can't lift things (like boxes or small children) safely, I'm slow as fuck on stairs so if those are around forget it, bending can be awkward, standing for long periods of time hurts me. Luckily I'm pretty fucking smart so anything that doesn't require physical labor is cool with me (seriously, smart lady right here, why isn't anyone hiring me?). So I need to convince them that I can or can't work? I'm confused, seriously.
     Realistically, though, my prosthesis is what allows me to work. Without it I'm kind of useless. It's hard to navigate most terrain on crutches. My two ideal work environments right now would be an office or a classroom and even in those relatively low-impact environments (relatively) crutches don't work. So, I need my leg fixed because the prospect of not having a functioning prosthesis is terrifying to me. It would be like losing my leg all over again )

• Comedy. Am I doing this right? How long am I going to do this? Why am I doing this? Sometimes part of me is like "I should get more serious about this and go out more open mics and actually talk to people and work on my material," and another part of me is like "Really? Don't you have to like apply for jobs or something?"

   
Where am I even going with this?

I don't know, but I'm definitely not proofreading it.

help me stay in philly

When I finished school back in December I did some math and determined that I had enough money in saving from my student loans to get me through about May if I didn't find a job in the meantime. My estimations turned out to be pretty accurate. It's now almost June and I am now almost screwed. I'm still applying for jobs without much luck and I'm running out of money. I'm applying for assistance, but that stuff doesn't work fast. When I was filling out one of the applications today there was a question about education and one of the choices was "no formal education" and I had some feelings as I checked off "masters degree." My education puts me in a more privileged position than a lot of folks. As does my whiteness. I don't think I was poor growing up, our basic needs were always met, but I am not able to rely on my parents for help right now. Both of them have offered to let me move back home for a little while while I get it together, but I really don't want to do that. What is there for me in Central Mass besides free rent? All my friends are here in Philly. Professionally, I want to work here in Philly and do something good for this city (if only someone would hire me already-- I would do SO MUCH good, I swear).

So now I'm reaching out to my friends and any Internet strangers who might be reading this. You can donate to help me survive here a little longer as I continue my valiant job search by clicking on this link. The goal amount of $3000 is based on the total cost to repair my prosthesis. See, I don't have insurance right now and it takes a while to get on medical assistance so I'm walking around with this loaner knee for as long as they'll let me. But if they need this knee back before I get some form of insurance I'll be back to a broken knee that's barely functional and I will be in a position where working will be a problem because of my disability. If enough people donate to help me pay my rent and I am able to find a job in the next few weeks I'll have some money to put toward fixing my knee. I can contribute much more to society and my community with a working prosthesis. So if you have a little extra money and you're feeling generous, donate to a good cause (ME). 

handicapable

So I've been feeling extra disabled lately on account of my prosthesis is broken. Fortunately I have a friend with connections and was able to find a prosthetics place in the area that is willing to do some pro bono work for poor folk like myself. I went in on Tuesday to get a loaner knee while they send off my old knee to find out what the deal with it is, but I had a stripped screw. So I had to go back today to their other location where the nice technicians were able to take that thing apart. These are things you have to think about when you're me. Stripped screws in your knee. So now I'm all set up with my loaner knee. The technician guy even cleaned up my cover and glued together the ugly slit they had to cut in the back of it when they took the thing apart, so I don't look like robo-Frankenstein.

Problem is, I don't have insurance right now due to the fact that I am not adequately employed. I applied for medical assistance through the county/state, but lord knows how long that'll take to go through. Hopefully they let me keep the loaner until it does. I don't want to go back to my broken leg. 

And I'm going to allow myself to get a little political for a second, because healthcare is a major fucking disaster in this country. Having access to a fully functional prosthesis allows me to be as mobile and productive as any able-bodied person (within reason, obvs). Having to limp around on a broken leg limits my employment options and forces me to be a drain on a system. If my leg is so broken that I can't walk on it, I can't work. This shit is expensive and I need health insurance to cover the cost (and most insurers only cover a percentage of the cost anyway). I'm fortunate to be an intelligent person who knows how to navigate the system and has a strong network of support, but, what I'm trying to say is, no one in this country should go without care that will allow them to live a normal, productive life. Dammit. 

(I don't normally feel "disabled" when my leg is working like it should. I do my thing with a few extra steps in the morning and don't bother to let it slow me down. But, when my leg was broken I was feeling the challenges and thinking about how much harder it would be if I had no prosthesis at all.)

Okay, that's enough for now.