fiction (untitled and in progress)

Claire licks her lips. Not seductively, but because they were dry and she forgot her lip balm when she switched bags that morning. She has about seven lip balms scattered around her apartment and in different bags, but somehow she forgot to transfer one into her big tote bag before she ventured outside today. It’s mid-Autumn and the humid summer air is finally receding. She likes the cooler, crisper air that comes with Autumn, but she couldn’t stop licking her dry lips. She looks down and notices her ankles are also dry, and digging in her bag for lotion she realized she forgot that too.

She is sitting on a park bench in the middle of the city. The other half of the bench was occupied by an old woman when she first sat down, but the woman got up and walked away with a friendly smile after a few minutes. Claire will only sit next to old women at this park. She is wary of the older men and nervous around the attractive younger men. Old women are usually a safe bet; she feels comfortable smiling at an old woman.

reasons why I'd be totally content to work part time right now

I'm currently being considered for two different part time position in my field. I am totally happy with this. If I could miraculously get both of these jobs my life would be awesome. Job 1 is at an after school program a few blocks from my apartment. For a part time after school job they've made me go through a whole lot of steps and I'm hoping my continued interest will act in my favor. And they'd be crazy not to hire me. After school programs are my thing. I've written papers about it. Job 2 is a part time library position at a Catholic school. It would only be two days a week but with a schedule flexible enough that I could still do the after school job. I love the idea of working in a school library. I love books and I love seeing kids get excited about books and I would like to share my excitement about books with kids. I saw the library and it was a little sad, but I'm confident that I could make it awesome. Hopefully I convinced the principal that I am serious and enthusiastic about this part time opportunity.

Part of me feels like I should be more ambitious and try harder to secure full time, grown-up employments. But, then again, 7+ of unemployment has kind of crushed my spirit and part time jobs might be all I can handle right now. These two part time jobs in particular would be good on my resume and I feel like I could learn and grow as a professional educator.

Here are a few more reasons why I'd be content with part time employment:
- I'd be able to make ends meet, if not overlap. I've gotten so used to being so broke any steady income would be wonderful. I've done the math and these jobs would allow me to pay my rent and my bills and probably have some cash left over for food. Anything consistent would be better than the constant state of broke-ness I've been experiencing currently.
- Free time! If I'm only working 20-30 hours a week I'll still have loads of free time for comedy things and friend things and fun things. And I won't have to rely on the kindness of my friends to buy me drinks when we go out. And coming up with septa fare to get around won't be a constant struggle.
- I could ease into the whole "career" thing. I may be highly educated, but I am not very experienced in terms of work things. It might be nice to be able to ease into it with less pressure than I'd get from a full time teaching position.
- I am so damn tired of applying for job, writing cover letters, and going to interviews only to be rejected again and again. I can only handle so much rejection.

Seriously guys. I am so sad and so broke right now. I need these jobs. Waiting a week or so to hear about them is awful. So if you see me in the next week and I seem off, that is why.

people i interact with at open mics

I've been trying to go to more open mics lately because I have a lot of free time right now and I should be taking better advantage of it. Going out more has made me noticed there are generally three kinds of people I interact with at open mics (or don't). I'm going to break it down in a list because lists are fun and easy to do. And these are generalizations and probably vague descriptions and if you're a comedian friend I encourage you to try and figure out what category you're in (or don't).

1. People I'd like to talk to, but don't
These are mostly people who have been doing this comedy thing a lot longer than I have and are more "legitimate." I only want to talk to them if they're people I find funny though. Sometimes I'll say hello to these people or even a few more words than hello... sometimes these people will even say "good set" to me and I'll wonder if they mean it or if they're just being nice to a lowly noob open mic comic such as myself. I'm wracked with insecurity. It just want to be liked! But I get nervous talking to most people and I'm easily intimidated.

2. People I truly enjoy talking to
These are people with whom I've had real actual conversations in real life (and probably on facebook too). People I like. People I feel comfortable talking to outside comedy shows and open mics. People with whom I have stuff in common beside doing comedy things sometimes. People with whom I can talk about actual life stuff if I want to. Or not. (There's actually a lot of gray area between these three categories now that I think about it.) There are more people I kind of am comfortable talking to than people I truly enjoy talking to. (Why did I start out ending with a preposition and then try to not to that and then just go right back to it? Am I trying to prove to you that I went to college? I minored in Linguistics so I could totally draw a grammar tree showing that it's permissible to end a sentence with a preposition if you want to.)

3. People I really don't want to talk to
These are usually new open mikers and they are usually drunk and nervous. It's not that I don't want to impart my limited wisdom ("Whatever, man, just have fun with it. And stop drinking.") Sometimes these are just regular drunk people and sometimes they are hitting on me (I think?) or just getting in the way of me talking to people in category two. I don't really enjoy talking to drunk people. Unless I'm drunk, in which case I'll talk to everyone. But I try not to be drunk at open mics.


This list is probably over-simplified and incomplete.

first time

I hosted my first open mic last night and it was really fun! My good friend Bradley Beck was kind enough to let me host the open mic portion of the comedy show he hosts with the lovely Becca Trabin (who wasn't there last night because she was in NYC because she's too good for us, apparently [just kidding, Becca, ilu!]). I'm going to start a new sentence because that was a weird parenthetical tangent. The show is called Accidents Will Happen and you can click on those words to go to the facebook page.

Anyway. So last night was super fun and hosting the mic was also a good time, if a little nerve-wracking. I took about four minutes at the beginning  to warm up and crowd (which was great and big, until they all left around midnight) and I felt like I had a good set. I tried some new stuff and finally think I've worked out this joke I've been developing for a couple weeks to something that will actually make people laugh rather than just feel bad for me. Most of the open mic comics were great and it was a lot of people I didn't know already, so that was kind of cool. The most stressful thing was the handshake that did or didn't happen between myself and the comics, eventually I just gave up on trying to shake anyone's hand, but sometimes it happened. Then I tried switching it up to high-fives, which are more my speed anyway, but that didn't really work out. Regardless of my awkward stage presence, I think everyone enjoyed themselves (I hope).

I also took pictures, which is another thing I like to do. I'll probably add some to this post when they're ready.

Here's a link to some photos from the first half of the show!

shredder

A couple years ago my dad bought me a paper shredder for Christmas. This seemed like an odd gift for a father to give to his 24-year-old daughter, but I've used it. Credit card offers I get in the mail go straight into the shredder. When I stumble across and electric bill from 2010 it goes in the shredder. Before I moved to Philadelphia I did some serious shredding. I have a weird tendency to hold onto things. A few years back I bought an accordion folder to try and organize my important documents. I organized it for health insurance stuff, income, taxes, student loans, etc. Lately though I've just been piling stuff up on my kitchen table and various other surfaces in my apartment. Here's what my kitchen table looked like a little earlier today:

And here it is, relatively tidy, after I looked at the above picture again and thought, "What the hell is all this paper doing here?!"

Most of it went in the trash (or the shredder). A few things went into the accordion folder, which I swear I'm going to organize someday soon. 

The problem is, I tend to be kind of sentimental. I still have the first "Certificate of Awesomeness" I received from my good friend Doc Thunder's karaoke night. I feel bad throwing away cards from family members (especially my grandparents-- it just feels heartless). I still have drawings and notes from former campers and students (some of these are from YEARS ago, but I just can't let go). I still have notebooks from college undergrad classes, and I have SO many notebooks and handouts and whathaveyous from grad school. This isn't normal. Am I a hoarder? Am I just too lazy to go through this crap and clean house? (Probably the latter.) Do other people just store this kind of crap at their parents' house, who eventually toss it all out for them?

Every once in a while I'll get a burst of energy and tidy up a small area of my living space, but usually within a month it's back to the same old mess. One of these days I promise, I promise YOU dear reader, that I am going to clean up and get organized and donate the mountains of clothes and books that I don't even remember owning and then feed all my old bills and pay stubs from 2004 to that damn shredder. (Seriously, I found a pay stub from 2004 when I was looking for medical documents a few weeks ago... why???)

Afterthoughts:

It's interesting (or at least I find it interesting) that in work situations and I extremely organized. Nothing bothers me more than a messy work station. If I'm working at a desk that desk better be neat and organized. The first thing I did when I got my job in human resources was organized that space (which was formerly occupied by a lovely but not-so-neat coworker). I moved around files so they made sense, I shredded the crap out of years-old resumes and job applications, and things ran smoothly. Is it because I was being paid to be organized in this situation? Do I care more about other people's shit than my own shit?

what the hell DO I want? (dating edition)

I've been single for a little over a year now. A big part of the reason I chose to end my six year relationship was that I felt I had lost touch with just who the hell I am. In the past year I feel like I have effectively figured that out. Now, after a year on my own, I feel like I'm ready for something. Something. But what exactly?

Dating after a long term relationship is weird and confusing and I still haven't figured it out. My love life over the past year has consisted of: drunk hook-ups, one night stands, and a couple trysts that have lasted more than one night (literally, like three). Oh, a whole lot of awkward/terrible OKCupid dates (which are the worst). I've had more than one guy I've been interested in say to me that he is just not looking for a relationship right now. To which I replied, "Cool, thanks for not wasting anymore of my time." Not that I'm desperately looking for a relationship or anything.

I'm actually more confident in my worth as a human being and more aware of what I have to offer to the world more now that I've ever been before. So that's not my problem. I strongly feel that if someone rejects me it's more likely their loss. I have a joke that basically asks whether certain things I do mean that I'm happier now or just desperately lonely. I think maybe both are true.

The only thing I'm missing in my life right now is gainful employment (and a man, I guess). I have amazing friends and I love where I live. I know (roughly) what I want in a job. So, what the hell do I want in terms of relationships and dating?


Basically: It would be nice to have someone I could call my boyfriend, but all I really want is someone to hang out with/ make out with on a somewhat regular basis. Someone who's nice to me, pays attention, returns phone calls and texts, makes me laugh, and tattoos are also nice. Fairly simple. Preferably this person would be someone I know/meet in real life and not a weird Internet person (I'm probably going to disable my OKC account again soon, it's been nothing but disappointments there). 


Seriously, why is it so hard to find a guy who wants to make out with me more than once?

little kids just wanna know stuff

I was visiting a summer camp/after school program today (where I will hopefully be working soon) and I got to talk to a lot of little kids about my leg. Usually when I'm working with a new group of kids I'll wear long pants to avoid the distraction, but it was hot today so I went with a skirt. I expected and welcomed their questions. Six-year-olds are the only people who can asked me "What happened to your leg?" and get a friendly response.

Kids tend to want to know the same sorts of things. When I worked at summer camp years ago (holy crap, that was 10 years ago!) I actually made a list of Frequently Asked Questions for that reason. They tend to ask the following:

• What happened? (depending on the age of the asker I give various vague answers that aren't completely true "The muscles in my leg were sick." "Why?" "I don't know, they just were." Or, "I was in an accident...")
• Did it hurt?
• Can you feel this? (poke poke poke)
• Is your foot real? (Umm... no.)
• Will it grow back?
• How do you sleep/shower/swim? 

And the generally want to know how it works and I get to give them a science lesson about robots based on my limited understanding of how my leg actually works. I had one great conversation today that went as follows (These kids were staring and whispering to each other until one of them finally work up the courage to ask me):

Kid: What happened to your leg?

Me: A long time ago I was in an accident and I hurt my leg really bad, so the doctors had to give me a new one.

Kid: That's crazy!

Me: Yeah, I guess it's kinda crazy.

Kid: I like your shoes. 

There was also the little boy who just kept asking "Why?" after every response I gave (he really wanted to know stuff, I guess) and the little girl who kept trying to lift my skirt up to see the rest of my fake leg. It was refreshing when I walked into the classroom with the older kids and all I got was "Oooo, I like her hair!" from a girl. 

And it was all cuter than the drunk guy in a suit near Rittenhouse Square Thursday night who asked, with all the confusion of a child (a drunk child?), "Why are you walking like that?" (He didn't get any response).