this is getting old, guys

So I'm approaching the 6 month mark since I finished grad school and I still don't have a goddamn job and it's, it's just getting OLD. At first it was kind of nice having all this free time with no papers to write and nowhere to be during the day, and in those early months I still had savings! I was able to pay my rent and buy food and even buy other things too! It was magic. I was applying for jobs everyday and trying to be proactive and getting interviews (no jobs though). I thought about being even more proactive and applying for food stamps and things like that earlier, before I ran out of money, but I convinced myself that I would get a job soon. Well, that didn't happen!

What's on my scattered mind right now:

• Applying for jobs is so much more depressing after 6 months of rejection. I feel like I'm not qualified for anything and putting any effort into a cover letter is a waste of time because nonewantstohiremeanyway. I know this way of thinking is wrong, but how much rejection can a person take?

• My apartment is kind of a disaster and I don't want to deal with it. Piles of things. Everywhere. I was looking for a specific piece of paper the other day and had to sift through piles of receipts, junk mail, random hand out and programs from different events... why do I feel the need to hold onto this stuff? I need to start getting rid of shit in preparation for when I inevitably have to move into a cheaper place because no one will give me a fucking job.

• I went to the welfare office today to apply for food stamps and medical assistance because I need these things. I was the only white person there, which wasn't too surprising because it's West Philly. I have no way of knowing if I was the only masters degree person there, but the likelihood of that made me feel a weird mix if privilege and failure. If me and my fancy degree and my fairly comfortable upbringing can't get a decent job we're all fucked.

• Disability is oddly defined in this society. When you're applying for assistance from the state or county you have to be so disabled that you can't ever work... but then there's this whole other office whose sole purpose is to get people with disabilities working. I am currently dealing with both. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? Am I to be some invalid who doesn't work and lays at home with my helper monkey watching Maury? Or am I to seek your help holding down some office job until I die?

(Obviously it's not that simple. And I'm not doing a good job here at simplifying it in a funny way, so let's get serious. I can work and I want to work, however, there are some jobs I can't really do or that I would be really bad at on account of my leg. I can't lift things (like boxes or small children) safely, I'm slow as fuck on stairs so if those are around forget it, bending can be awkward, standing for long periods of time hurts me. Luckily I'm pretty fucking smart so anything that doesn't require physical labor is cool with me (seriously, smart lady right here, why isn't anyone hiring me?). So I need to convince them that I can or can't work? I'm confused, seriously.
     Realistically, though, my prosthesis is what allows me to work. Without it I'm kind of useless. It's hard to navigate most terrain on crutches. My two ideal work environments right now would be an office or a classroom and even in those relatively low-impact environments (relatively) crutches don't work. So, I need my leg fixed because the prospect of not having a functioning prosthesis is terrifying to me. It would be like losing my leg all over again )

• Comedy. Am I doing this right? How long am I going to do this? Why am I doing this? Sometimes part of me is like "I should get more serious about this and go out more open mics and actually talk to people and work on my material," and another part of me is like "Really? Don't you have to like apply for jobs or something?"

   
Where am I even going with this?

I don't know, but I'm definitely not proofreading it.