this is going to be intense

I decided that if I tell important people in my life that I want to write this book maybe I'll be forced to do it. I have the time right now and I feel like it's a story worth telling. Important people being key characters in the book, like my sister and my best friend at the time.

I had a really good day today. I felt good about things, even if I didn't fully trust my happiness to last. That's what happens when you get continuously let down. But my personal life seems good right now. Promising. And I had a really good job interview for a job I really want. I felt hopeful. I sat in the park all day and saw friends. Then I got home and looked at my bank account and realized that after I pay my rent this week I'm going to be broke and that I'm not making nearly enough money to sustain anything right now. I got depressed and had a small meltdown. Then my sister called me.

My sister is one of the only people who I can talk to on the phone for more than 10 minutes. We ended up talking for an hour. I mentioned this book I want to write about growing up and welcomed any insight, which she provided. I had never really thought about the events in questions from her perspective. That may be selfish of me. Guilt was a theme. We all feel guilty for different reasons. No one is at fault, though... really.

After talking to my sister I emailed the two girls I was with on that day (see this blog post for details) and within moments my phone rang. It was one of those girls. She was my best friend at the time, that was 14 years ago. I haven't heard her voice in a long time. She was almost manic. The major themes of the conversation were that I am an awesome person and an inspiration and that we've both been through a lot of shit and we are good, strong, well-intentioned people doing the best we can with what we've got. It was good to hear those things from her. We need to keep in better touch.

All I'm trying to say here is that between those two very intense conversations and actually starting to write I'm realizing this writing process is going to be really fucking intense and emotionally exhausting.