the difference a year makes

I'm still trying to decide if I want to type a blog post about this crazy year of change that has just happened as I type this. So I might as well just keep typing, right?

One year ago I ended a pretty toxic relationship in the midst of an identity crisis and embarked on a journey to figure out just who the hell I am. And all in all I'd say it's been a pretty cool journey. Even if my life isn't exactly where I want it to be right now I've met a ton of really awesome people over the past year and feel more valued by other than I have before. And I'm getting there. So how about a list?

Things that are new in the past year:
- I have a master's degree! Last Spring was a time of great personal change, yet I managed to finish out the semester well and power through it and finish my degree. So that was pretty awesome.
- I live by myself for the first time basically ever and it's pretty awesome.
- I've made a lot of really amazing, supportive, super cool friends in the past year and I feel loved and valued by a whole bunch of people.
- I'm brave enough to do karaoke sober!
- I started doing comedy as a thing and it's been pretty cool. I think I'm kind of good at it.
- I feel confident and more secure in myself as a person. I'm someone worth knowing and I have a lot to offer and I won't be taken for granted, dammit!

I think I've decided through this experience that if something isn't working sometimes it is best to just cut it out and figure out a better way to do things. It's important to put yourself first every once in a while, etc., etc..

this is going to be intense

I decided that if I tell important people in my life that I want to write this book maybe I'll be forced to do it. I have the time right now and I feel like it's a story worth telling. Important people being key characters in the book, like my sister and my best friend at the time.

I had a really good day today. I felt good about things, even if I didn't fully trust my happiness to last. That's what happens when you get continuously let down. But my personal life seems good right now. Promising. And I had a really good job interview for a job I really want. I felt hopeful. I sat in the park all day and saw friends. Then I got home and looked at my bank account and realized that after I pay my rent this week I'm going to be broke and that I'm not making nearly enough money to sustain anything right now. I got depressed and had a small meltdown. Then my sister called me.

My sister is one of the only people who I can talk to on the phone for more than 10 minutes. We ended up talking for an hour. I mentioned this book I want to write about growing up and welcomed any insight, which she provided. I had never really thought about the events in questions from her perspective. That may be selfish of me. Guilt was a theme. We all feel guilty for different reasons. No one is at fault, though... really.

After talking to my sister I emailed the two girls I was with on that day (see this blog post for details) and within moments my phone rang. It was one of those girls. She was my best friend at the time, that was 14 years ago. I haven't heard her voice in a long time. She was almost manic. The major themes of the conversation were that I am an awesome person and an inspiration and that we've both been through a lot of shit and we are good, strong, well-intentioned people doing the best we can with what we've got. It was good to hear those things from her. We need to keep in better touch.

All I'm trying to say here is that between those two very intense conversations and actually starting to write I'm realizing this writing process is going to be really fucking intense and emotionally exhausting.

listening to people's conversations

I was at Green Line today listening to other people's conversation, as I tend to do. I overheard a girl talking to her friend about her quarter million dollar book deal and comparing herself to all these classic writers (Salinger was one of them) and basically carrying on about how awesome she is. She described the plot to her friend and the title of the book, which sounded like the name of an emo band from ten years ago. It was basically a disability motif somewhat common in fiction where a promising young person suffers some kind of accident leaving them "crippled for life" (he words). Her main character shatters his knee or something and his life is apparently over as a result (this interpretation is based on a few minutes of eavesdropping, I haven't actually read this alleged book). This motif bothers me because it's not what actually happens when a young person suffers an accident or tragedy leaving them with disability. And I don't like when people use the word crippled because it's a stupid thing to say in 2012 when there's so much cool technology that exists to allow people with disabilities to lead mostly normal and productive lives. Another common disability motif is the idea of someone overcoming their disability by carrying out some feat of athleticism. And I don't like that one either. I think maybe I hated this girl so much because I was a little jealous. I want a book deal. I'd need to write a book first I guess.

Which brings me to this idea I've had for a while now, which is to write a young adult memoir about my life from age 11 until whenever I decide to wrap it up. This book I have in my head targets young adults because I think my story is something a lot of kids could relate to. I'd try to make it more funny than sad. But following through is a problem I have. Especially when it comes to writing. The intended audience also has to do with the fact that I'm only 26 at the moment and haven't really done much with my life yet. But I think it's important to have stories about disability that are real and accessible for everyone and carry the message that it's okay to just try to have a normal life if something bad happens to you. You're not going to be "crippled for life" but you don't have to compete in the paralympics to prove your worth.

handicapable

So I've been feeling extra disabled lately on account of my prosthesis is broken. Fortunately I have a friend with connections and was able to find a prosthetics place in the area that is willing to do some pro bono work for poor folk like myself. I went in on Tuesday to get a loaner knee while they send off my old knee to find out what the deal with it is, but I had a stripped screw. So I had to go back today to their other location where the nice technicians were able to take that thing apart. These are things you have to think about when you're me. Stripped screws in your knee. So now I'm all set up with my loaner knee. The technician guy even cleaned up my cover and glued together the ugly slit they had to cut in the back of it when they took the thing apart, so I don't look like robo-Frankenstein.

Problem is, I don't have insurance right now due to the fact that I am not adequately employed. I applied for medical assistance through the county/state, but lord knows how long that'll take to go through. Hopefully they let me keep the loaner until it does. I don't want to go back to my broken leg. 

And I'm going to allow myself to get a little political for a second, because healthcare is a major fucking disaster in this country. Having access to a fully functional prosthesis allows me to be as mobile and productive as any able-bodied person (within reason, obvs). Having to limp around on a broken leg limits my employment options and forces me to be a drain on a system. If my leg is so broken that I can't walk on it, I can't work. This shit is expensive and I need health insurance to cover the cost (and most insurers only cover a percentage of the cost anyway). I'm fortunate to be an intelligent person who knows how to navigate the system and has a strong network of support, but, what I'm trying to say is, no one in this country should go without care that will allow them to live a normal, productive life. Dammit. 

(I don't normally feel "disabled" when my leg is working like it should. I do my thing with a few extra steps in the morning and don't bother to let it slow me down. But, when my leg was broken I was feeling the challenges and thinking about how much harder it would be if I had no prosthesis at all.)

Okay, that's enough for now. 

This week is off to a good start

So far this is shaping up to be a good week. Here's why:

Sunday-
My friend Dr. Thunder's comedy contest, Not While I'm Eating, debuted at a new location (Queen of Sheba, two blocks from its other location) to a good sized crowd, lots of new faces and new talent. I didn't win, but I thought my set went well and I had a great time.

Monday-
I got a call from a temp agency about getting set up to do admin work through them. So hopefully I can generate some more income soon.
I also worked for a couple hours.
After that I bravely went to Laughs on Fairmount by myself to do the open mic. I got there early so I was able to get a good spot on the list, #12. Not too early, but early enough that there was still a good amount of people there. I was trying to stick to a theme so I only did two jokes in under the allotted three minutes, but I heard a lot o laughs so I think it was good.
After comedy I went out to karaoke (comedy and karaoke are my two favorite things right now) with two of my good friends at a gay bar where they had PBR tallboys for $2. We sang well and went to a 24 hour diner after.

Tuesday-
I went to the temp agency to fill out paperwork and talk to them about what I'm looking for (anything they can give me), so got that ball rolling.
And I'm going to karaoke again soon! Best.

Also, I have a date tomorrow so hopefully that's good. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I'm feeling good about this week.