What do I want to do with my life?

I've been unemployed before and it's never fun. This time feels different though, mainly because I was working in a job I was good at, liked well enough, and was making enough money to survive on. I didn't voluntarily leave. This time is different too because being desperately broke isn't as much of a concern since I'm married now, so we have the husband's income, and I'm also able to collect unemployment. We're going to have to cut back on some things, but we're going to get through it.

It's been a month since my last day of work and I'm starting to feel it. The lack of motivation or desire to get off the couch (the 5pm sunsets aren't helping), and just a weird sense of uselessness. I'm looking for jobs but at this point I don't even know what kind of job I want.

What is my purpose? What am I good at? What do I enjoy doing? Where do I see myself in five years? I feel like I don't have answers to any of these questions.

I've worked with kids, adults, and teenagers. I've done office work and teaching work. Mostly in struggling nonprofits. I've been pretty good at every job I've had. I have this ridiculous degree that I've barely used and will be paying for it until I die (those loans aren't going away). What do I do with this?

a poem

Inspired my week three of my unemployment.

Untitled (by Carolanne Mitchell)

I have become one with the couch.
Cushions, stained and worn, bend to my form-
hold me like a child.
Feet recline and I'm lost in the soft blue glow
of the TV.
A lazy cat presses against my side-
Sister.
Netflix: Always there in my time of need.

Outside orange leaves bounce off  blue sky
squirrels scurry in the backyard preparing for the cold
rustling leaves.
Birds sing to remind me, beckoning me.

But the couch grips me tighter,
the cat stretches her paws,
And Netflix asks if I'm still watching.
I am.

I'm not a classroom teacher

A lot of times when people find out I have a master's in education they assume I want to be a teacher. Usually by "teacher" they mean a traditional classroom teacher. Someone who stands in front of a class of 25+ students (that's being conservative these days) and teaches them what they need to know. I am not a classroom teacher and I don't want to be one, and that's okay.

I wouldn't be a good classroom teacher. It's important to know what you're good at, but it's also important to know what you're not good at. I know a lot of amazing and talented classroom teachers and I will never be part of their ranks. When I see the dedication and passion they bring to their classrooms I'm always somewhat awe-struck, because I know I could never do that.

So why did I bother burying myself in student loan debt to get an education degree if I don't want to be a classroom teacher? Maybe it was just because five years ago I desperately needed a change and a challenge and it seemed like a good opportunity. Even in graduate school I knew I didn't want to be a classroom teacher like a lot of my classmates. I was interested in after-school programs and community-based education. I was, and still am, interested in educating from outside the system,

Also I need some downtime during my days to gather my thoughts. And I need to be able to take bathroom breaks. I don't like taking my work home with me. I know that's sort of an expectation nowadays, especially for teachers, but it's just not for me.

I was laid off from my job recently and some well-meaning friends have suggested I apply for vacancies in the Philadelphia school district. Others have asked me why I don't apply to schools in the suburbs. There are a few reasons, but here are two: 1) I have a Reading Specialist certification and there just aren't a lot of jobs for Reading Specialists. 2) I'm not a classroom teacher.

Teachers are highly trained professionals who aren't paid what they're worth and need to put in a tremendous number of hours to support their students. They often take the blame for failing schools and failed policies. I admire the teachers in my life for their ability to clear through all the bureaucracy and do what's best for their students. But it's too much pressure for me.

I know what I'm good at and it's not being a classroom teacher. It's okay to know what you don't want to do.

Educated and Unemployed

I'm embarking on my 30's unemployed. Not because of anything I did, but because of politician (those assholes). I've never been laid off before- it feels very grown-up. I'm trying to stay positive, and to be honest I needed a break. Maybe this is the forceful push I needed to really start looking for something bigger and better. Maybe now I'll start actually cleaning my home and making meals instead of planting myself on the couch after work and not moving until it's time to make myself go to bed.

This is day two of my unemployment adventure and I need to go clean my room.