help me stay in philly

When I finished school back in December I did some math and determined that I had enough money in saving from my student loans to get me through about May if I didn't find a job in the meantime. My estimations turned out to be pretty accurate. It's now almost June and I am now almost screwed. I'm still applying for jobs without much luck and I'm running out of money. I'm applying for assistance, but that stuff doesn't work fast. When I was filling out one of the applications today there was a question about education and one of the choices was "no formal education" and I had some feelings as I checked off "masters degree." My education puts me in a more privileged position than a lot of folks. As does my whiteness. I don't think I was poor growing up, our basic needs were always met, but I am not able to rely on my parents for help right now. Both of them have offered to let me move back home for a little while while I get it together, but I really don't want to do that. What is there for me in Central Mass besides free rent? All my friends are here in Philly. Professionally, I want to work here in Philly and do something good for this city (if only someone would hire me already-- I would do SO MUCH good, I swear).

So now I'm reaching out to my friends and any Internet strangers who might be reading this. You can donate to help me survive here a little longer as I continue my valiant job search by clicking on this link. The goal amount of $3000 is based on the total cost to repair my prosthesis. See, I don't have insurance right now and it takes a while to get on medical assistance so I'm walking around with this loaner knee for as long as they'll let me. But if they need this knee back before I get some form of insurance I'll be back to a broken knee that's barely functional and I will be in a position where working will be a problem because of my disability. If enough people donate to help me pay my rent and I am able to find a job in the next few weeks I'll have some money to put toward fixing my knee. I can contribute much more to society and my community with a working prosthesis. So if you have a little extra money and you're feeling generous, donate to a good cause (ME). 

Maurice Sendak, writing, and guilt

Maurice Sendak died today and I've been spending a lot of time reading about his life and work and feeling inspired by the things he's said about writing, art, and children. This quote stood out for me, especially, as I'm setting out to write this story about how I grew up:

“Grown-ups desperately need to feel safe, and then they project onto the kids. But what none of us seem to realize is how smart kids are. They don’t like what we write for them, what we dish up for them, because it’s vapid, so they’ll go for the hard words, they’ll go for the hard concepts, they’ll go for the stuff where they can learn something, not didactic things, but passionate things.” (link)

I think this is a really important as an an educator, or a write, or any person who interacts with children on a regular basis to understand and appreciate "how smart kids are." I've never met a kid who didn't have a story. From the kid who's been in the foster care system since a young age who were finally adopted by an amazing lesbian couple, or the boy who moved around from relative to relative and writes about how much he misses his dad who's been in and out of prison to the genius 3rd-now-4th-grader who articulately told me about how she admired her mom for taking care of elders where she works then coming home to take care of her and her sister. Children don't need to be sheltered, they need to be respected and listened to. I know there are some things in my personal story, things I did at 12 or 13, that might make some adults uncomfortable, but it's nothing most 12 or 13-year-olds have experienced or at least have an awareness of. 

I recently had a conversation with my sister about that time period when I tried to kill myself, the hospitals, and how our relationship changed in the aftermath of it all. I was surprised to learn about the guilt she felt, still, for not having done more. I had never really heard her perspective. I understood the fear and confusion she felt, she was 10 at the time and didn't really understand what was happening. But she felt guilty for not doing more, not calling 911. I was aware of my own guilt, and of my mother's guilt, but I had never thought about my sister's guilt. My guilt has to do with putting my family, my little sister, through such a traumatic experience. 

And what would have happened if she had called 911? My leg might have been saved. But would I have had to learn the hard lessons that have made me the person I now am if that had happened? Honestly, I think I'm better off without it-- the leg, that is. I don't think it's worth spending a lot of time thinking about how things would be different if it all played out differently, because things happened and now we're here and we're all stronger for it.