My story doesn't really follow the traditional teen bullying/suicide arc. I didn't try to kill myself because I was being bullied. But I was harrassed and taunted and bullied AFTER I tried to kill myself. I lost my leg when I tried to kill myself, along with two other girls, by taking a lot of tylenol. That's all the back story you need to understand the names I was called. I honestly don't remember how long it took for it to start from the time I returned to school to the time I left, but by the time I was in 8th grade I was starting to get sick of it. "It" being kids I didn't even know yelling "pill popper" and "peg leg" at me as I got off the elevator everyday or the kid in my gym class who stood across from me during a volleyball game and called me a pill popper repeatedly until I limped over to punch him. I was even bullied, in a way, by my bus driver.
Let's do this story in three parts for clarity:
I. GYM CLASS
I won't name names, but some kid who was in several of my classes in 8th grade was an asshole. I don't know if he's an asshole now, but he was truly a cruel kid in 1998. He was in more than just my gym class, and I don't remember if it was 7th or 8th grade when this incident happened, but this is what happened: I usually skipped gym class by going to the nurse with a stomach ache, but for some reason I was there this day. We were playing volleyball, which was a game I could sort of play if I stayed in one place. This kid was on the opposite team, and everytime he ended up in front of me he would sneer and taunt me, calling me a "pill popper" and possibly "peg leg." Words that sound ridiculous now, but at the time really hurt me. I must have reached a tipping point, because eventually I lost it and limped over there as fast as I could fully intent on punching him in the face. Of course, that didn't happen. I wasn't fast enough. We both ended up in the office, and we both got in trouble. Although the prinicpal did say that he wouldn't have blamed me if I did hit him. The problem with that kid might have ended there, or maybe class schedules changed. I have a terrible memory for these things.
II. The Bus Driver.
I will never understand why people who hate children become school bus drivers. I'm sure being a school bus driver is no picnic, but at least be subtle about your deep seeded hatred for young people. The bus driver I had in junior high was an extremely unpleasant human, who despised us all and made sure we knew it. I can understand wanting kids to stay in their seats and not throw things at eachother, but she would FREAK if someone so much as spoke to the person in the seat beside them. It might seem odd or a little bit extreme to make the claim that I was bullied by my bus driver, but in a way that's what she did. I was singled out, I was vulnerable, and she took advantage of my situation simply because she thought she could.
Ever since I started using a cane it's been this fabulous toy anyone around me must play with (this is less true now that most of the people I interract with are adults, but anyone under the age of 12 just can't help themselves), so I undestand the bus driver's desire to put a stop to this happening on the bus. But forcing my to hand over my cane as I got on the bus was not the way to do it. At the time I was mad because it was MY property and she was taking it, and I didn't like that. Now I'm mad because I was being singled out as a student with a disability and she was forcing me to hand over a device that enhanced my mobility. My cane was an extension of my body at that time, because I wasn't strong enough to get very far without it. Eventually I had enough, it felt wrong, I wasn't comfortable handing over my cane and felt that I should be able to keep it with me as long as I didn't let anyone else touch it. The principal agreed, he told me that I should be able to keep with me as long as no one else touched it. The bus driver disagreed and still insisted I hand it over despite what the principal said. We argued for a minute and finally I gave it to her. I may have done so with a little bit of force, but I did not "assualt" her, as she said I did. I got in school suspension for the incident.
III. The Elevator and the Stupid Thing I Said That Almost Got Me Expelled.
The school I went to had two floors, so I was given an elevator key and I was allowed to take one friend on the elevator with me at a time (I made some new friends this way). The elevator emptied out on the first floor near a hallway where the 9th graders liked to congregate at the end of the day (the school contained 7th, 8th and 9th graders). I wasn't friends with any 9th graders, but apparently they knew a little about me. EVERYDAY I can remember there was someone there at the end of the day to call me one of those names I heard so frequently. I didn't internalize it, I did cry, and I didn't tell any teachers because I didn't know who the kids were. But it did make me really angry. One day after school I got off the elevator on the first floor with a friend from class. "Hey, peg leg, hehehe," I heard from the hallway, a few boys were there laughing at me and saying stupid words. As I started down the hall with my friend I say, not loudly or seriously, "I should start bringin a gun to school." And before I knew what I said a teacher was there, "Did you just say what I think you said?" (I'm fairly certain this was before Columbine, but I don't remember exactly when it happened). "They are there everyday calling me names," I said in my defense, apparently she never heard the things they said to me but she sure heard the word "gun." The next day I was suspended and I heard my mom talking about expulsion. I don't know if I was really going to be expelled, but I know my mom got me out of that school as soon as possible.
My new school was a lot smaller. No one knew my story, so I was able to tell it on my own terms. I don't remember being bullied once, I got along with everybody, and I finished 4th in my class (of 44). I guess this story is more about absurd "zero tolerance" policies that get kids in serious trouble for saying the word "gun" or bringing a butter knife to school with their lunch. I didn't have access to a gun, and anyone who knew me knew that was not something I would ever do. But it's also about schools not being proactive when it comes to students being harassed by other students, which is hopefully changing.
